Obama promises “Change we can measure”

by Nathan Rodriguez

Presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama recently expanded on his plans to bring about change, with a vow to end domestic reliance upon what he called “dangerous sources” of measurements.

“We cannot afford four more years of the same, tired policies that have failed millions of Americans,” Obama said, before unveiling his bold and controversial plan to have the U.S. switch to the metric system within eighteen months.

“Right now, America’s children are falling behind their counterparts in nations like Russia, India, and China, who grow up with the comfort of knowing exactly how far a kilometer is,” he said, adding “We can’t continue down this reckless road if we don’t even know how far we need to go. We deserve better than a nation where only our joggers know how far five or 10-kilometers really is. Our children, and our children’s children deserve the truth about a hectare, not hot air.”

A crowd of several hundred thousand gathered at a towering temple constructed for the announcement.

“What started as a hint in the cornfields of Iowa became a suggestion in the frozen tundra of New Hampshire, and a firm but polite request in the tobacco fields of North Carolina and Virginia,” he said. “Enough! We can do better than this, we will do better than this, and that’s why I’m running to be president of the United States of America!”

The throng of supporters erupted in applause, and symbolically snapped yardsticks in half before depositing them in a recycling bin upon exiting. The Obama campaign issued new tire gauges that measure pressure in kilograms per centimeter, as opposed to the traditional pounds per square inch, and encouraged supporters to symbolically cross out the “miles per hour” reading on speedometers in vehicles — resulting in several dozen speeding tickets.

The McCain campaign was quick to issue a response.

“The latest statement from Sen. Obama shows just how dangerously inexperienced he is,” said Tucker Bounds, McCain campaign spokesman. “This isn’t the kind of change the American people want, or even understand. What Senator Obama failed to explain are the details — what happens to Denver, which is known across the nation as the ‘mile-high city?’ This just goes to show the importance of experienced judgment and leadership.”

Bounds indicated the campaign was in the process of amending “Country first” placards to have the reverse read, “We won’t budge an inch on the centimeter.”
Conservative commentator Sean Hannity was irate.

“Obama may think he can change water to wine, but this is like asking America to switch from Apple Pie to arugala,” he said. “John McCain brings the right kind of change to Washington, while Barack Obama is trying to bring about one metric ass-load of change we don’t need.”

Most of Sen. McCain’s comments on the issue were drowned out when all of the 14 people in the crowd ritualistically chanted, “U-S-A!”

Meanwhile, Gov. Palin’s handlers again made her unavailable for comments and questions, saying she was busy field dressing a moose and preparing folksy Alaskan witticisms for her upcoming foreign policy debate with Sen. Biden.